In the Reflection of Who's Image

Two days ago, my heart was yearning and crying out for some affirmation. My utmost deepest struggles spoke silently but heavy weight in my heart. The question that came to my mind was, "Do I have what it takes?"

I redirected my personal question to the Greater One, "Why am I feeling likes this? Why am I asking the question, if I have what it takes to run this store?" To give you a better context, starting April 1, I will be entering into another quarter in Proto's. As the season gets warmer in spring and summer the restaurant will only get busier and more exciting! And, it's intimidating me. I am scared to see the business get busier in production, or maybe I am just scared to fail.

But then yesterday, the boss sat me down for an evaluation and meeting. Her words were, "The kitchen's organization is unbelievably orderly and clean. The kitchen looks incredible! It has maintained it's ways since how I trained the staff since it opened in 2006. Not even the other 5 store in Colorado have maintained the same daily preparation like in the Boise store. Especially, when I enter in the door the staff's appearance and the cleanliness and order of the store reflects you, Caroline. Your detailed-oriented, the cleanliness, the atmosphere and how the staff reflects you. Your hard work is noticeable; it reflects in your store."

Wow, a few days ago, I was questioning all the effort I put into this store and if I have what it takes to run this place. All I ever see is my inadequacy and lackness of, though I know I have put more than a 100% of myself in this job, even to the point of sacrificing my personal time.

But more than anything, the insecure quiet-heavy voice of mine was answered beyond satisfaction. Hearing my boss say what she said has paid all the sweat and tears I've committed to this store. "Good job! Your store reflects you..." It is the highest compliment and affirmation I could ever receive.

For a second there, I was beginning to doubt my God that He is not listening..., but time after time he blows my mind away.

Now a thought comes to mind, "Who's image? Who's reflection is she seeing?" Because I know what my image is composed of. It's wretched, impatient, foolish, and lack of any skills. But I am so grateful that there is Someone who is making interventions in my life.

I remember at the age of ten, I had an aha moment and saw my personal image. I saw I was broken, messy, and a hopeless case. I remember saying to the Big Invisible Being that He needs to fill in all the gaps and cracks in my life. Little did I know that He hears me and continually answers my heart's desire to be reshape into His beautiful image.

Being Good Enough is the Question

Today, I caught myself thinking the question, "Do I have what it takes?" "And why this question?" Why do I question myself so much, if I have what it takes?! As the night was closing, my deepest insecurities came out.. It was silent as it dawn on me, but it was loud as it rested on my heart.

My boss and her entourage came in today to do her usual visitation and check up on her restuarant, and I made it a choice that today I will perform normal as I always, nothing more or less. I will simply "be", you know the usual Caroline boss/manager. But of course my store gets slammed with people, which was awesome due to such a sour economy. I did my best, but of course it was best I could do. I was off. I couldn't bartend like as normally I do. I couldn't get pass the busyness and get around to greet and check out how every table was doing. But I was doing what I am to do, cut labor and be the labor. So obviously, I couldn't do what I expected of myself.

Overall, the night went well. I'm sure I can always be more critical about myself, but I did the best I could with the lack of sleep as always. But the question was still loud.

Do I have what it takes to run this store? Am I doing a good job? All I want to hear is that I am doing a good job. Why such need for validation? Why am I such a performance based person? Every part of me battles against to not find my identity in my performance..., but I continue to struggle to get better. Something Greater needs to take over and renew this false mindset.

Changing Seasons

Changing season can be a good thing, but the transition process sometimes is what can be complicated or simply just sucks! When broken hearted, exhausted and over worked in my awesome job, plus when personal times are sacrificed to accomplishing a healthy lifestyle, then feeling/being FAT, and lacking sleep makes all these different facets lame!!

Now, spring fever is slowly coming out, and I feel that this season just simply sucks!! I'm sure it doesn't, but but in my mind, "@*&#..." Or I guess, it's simply truly just a perspective thing. Maybe all I need is a renewed mindset. Yes, a renewed perspective, but this seems like this comes with a price. Every moment making a choice has to be such an intentional thing. Choices are all around, and it's options galore.

So, as the flowers are blooming, as the leaves are becoming greener, and when the scent of spring is in the air. I should simply choose wisely and rely on someone Greater than me.
Sigh...